


Kiss Your Past Goodnight (And Let It Sleep)

by andrea_deer



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Dealing with stuff, Episode: s04e05 The Field Where I Died, F/M, Fate, Fluff, Hypnotism, M/M, POV First Person, Past Lives, death of characters in past lives, mulder's pov, old fic, sort of soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-31
Updated: 2008-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-07 00:43:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14069178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andrea_deer/pseuds/andrea_deer
Summary: Mulder digs in deeper into the subject of regressive hypnosis.





	Kiss Your Past Goodnight (And Let It Sleep)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very old fic, I'm reposting because in some ways I'm still fond of it and wouldn't want to lose it. Originally posted almost ten years ago (phew!) on 31-03-2018. Spoilers include almost all of the episodes with Krycek, episodes with Mulder's family and - of course - the episode "The Field Where I Died" which was my main inspiration and I used it here in every way possible. 
> 
> The story takes place somewhere in the canonic timeline (but don't get too detail-oriented about it). What's important is that Mulder's sessions end just before "Requiem". 
> 
> I'm not a specialist on regression hypnosis, but trust me, neither is Carter. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I mostly got my knowledge on the subject from a book written by a psychologist who runs regressive hypnosis sessions. Please note the fact that I've read it in Polish, so I had to translate somehow specific, technical words I've read and so it's even further from reliable source than it could be.

It started innocently. Even my famous paranoia didn't kick in warning me about potential danger, and that's probably one of the reasons why I couldn't quite recollect how exactly I had gotten myself into this mess. I mean, of course I can clearly remember what happened and which events lead to which, but listed in my mind with clinical detachedness they just… don't make much sense.

That's how it is sometimes with life. You act on impulses, reacting to what at the given time feels right. You make decisions, sometimes after years of thinking and soul-searching, and sometimes in a matter of seconds. And suddenly, there's this moment in which the sudden thought comes: how did I end up here? But you can clearly remember how it happened and, if you're really lucky, you can just state that you couldn't have done anything else. You couldn't have acted differently, you couldn't have decided otherwise, because, if you're really lucky, in this sudden thoughtful moment you realize that you've done the right thing.

And I think I did.

+++

It started a few months ago, when I was visiting the Lone Gunmen for no practical reason, just to hang out with my friends. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that others see me as a loner and a social-disaster, but sometimes even I need the illusion of real life. Besides I always like to meet those guys, I feel normal around them.

So, the big 'paranoid-freaks-unite' hang-out was going on, when Langly got me to help him with the article he was working on. Well, to be honest, I had gotten myself in trouble when I mentioned that yes, I had heard of regressive hypnosis. Ha. I was put under it once upon a time.

I have known this guys for many years and I'll never learn to keep my mouth shut. Of course Langly jumped at the opportunity like the starving-for-information journalist he was.

"And you've seen your past lives?" he asked, awed by the thought.

"Well, yeah… Some of them… We didn't dwell on them much, you know? We were looking for the info to help us solve the case, after all."

Frohike just shook his head at me and got up from the chair next to the computer, to sit on the one next to the couch, so he could take more active part in the discussion without yelling from the other side of the room.

"Only you, Mulder, only you…"

"What?" I asked a bit irritated. I was used to such looks from my co-workers, but from Frohike?

"You have the opportunity to learn about your past lives, about your soul, sense of life, yadda-yadda… and you go on resolving your case?"

He smiled crookedly and I knew that everything was okay again. And that was another reason why I like to hang around those guys. Most of the times, in most of the situations they… They understand.

"Dude…" breathed Langly, "that would have been so awesome if you'd met with Amy…"

Amanda Alpenill, psychotherapist and hypnotizer, who had agreed to help Langly. They apparently met each other when Lone Gunman had started working on this article and it actually turned out they can co-operate pretty nicely. The guys obviously couldn't stop themselves from the teasing on this subject… I noticed Langly mastered to shut them up with a mere mentioning of Scully or Susanne Modesky. Once again in my life happy for not having this sort of problems, I teased him mercilessly the moment I learned about the girl.

"You mean for a session?"

"Not necessarily, if you don't wanna. Just you know… to talk about your session… And of course, if you'd like to give it another try with hypnosis…"

He stopped, shrugging, obviously giving a sign that it wouldn't be any problem, and he'd actually be very happy because he'd have his own lab-rat to write about. I thought about that for a moment, but then nodded confidently.

What was there to think about? I risked nothing - or at least I thought so - and the temptation of knowing more about Melissa… Sort of meeting her again… It was worth a bit of a risk that always came with meeting the Lone Gunmen's friends.

+++

Amy shocked me, and I don't only mean the fact that she was pretty good looking and actually *really* had a crush on Langly. Weirder things happened. I mean, somewhere, probably…

She shocked me with what she had to say about regressive-hypnosis. Apparently I was a complete amateur on the subject and knew exactly nothing. She was terrified by the lack of professionalism of my last session.

"Mister Mulder, I swear if met this hypnotherapeutic myself, I would consider seriously hurting him…"

"Her. You want her phone number?" I suggested with a smile, trying to calm her down a bit.

She chuckled quietly, putting an untamed strand of her sunny blond hair that kept falling in her eyes behind her ear. She was young, well younger than me at least, in her late twenties, maybe early thirties. Still, there was something about her that made me think about Margaret Scully for some odd reason. I don't know why, but I liked that. It felt safe.

"No, not really. I just have to state that if you plan on being as unprofessional this time and rush things, we can already cancel the whole idea." She said seriously. "Normally it takes at least a few sessions to work out one big problem…" She stopped for a moment, biting her lips. I had a feeling she was wondering how to nicely and politely state what was on her mind. "And… Well, I'm not trying to offend you here, but I think you have a lot of things in your head that we'll have to deal with."

Oh, God, you have no idea, Amy. At this pace it'll probably take years!

I had no time to waste on something like that, I had a job to keep up with, I had investigations to lead, I had barely enough time to sleep from time to time…

I agreed to meet with her once a week for as long as it would take. I was hoping to close it in two, three sessions. Amy was probably hoping to close it in a year. Well, she was closer to the truth, I must confess.

It took us full three, pretty tiring sessions to get through the part of my mind labeled as "Samantha-mess". And even if I remember most of the things I said while under hypnosis, and I have tapes - Amy insisted - to refresh my memory, I still have troubles believing some of them. Almost as much as I had troubles with getting used to the fact that I finally felt free and I had to re-label this part of my mind. It's not a mess anymore.

+++  
FM Session 01. 03/23  
+++

**Lie comfortably… Is this couch comfortable for you?**

Yes. (calm) Better than mine even. (small smile)

**I'm glad… Relax, close your eyes, breath deeply…**

Imagine you're in a big room with lots of books…

**Fox, I'm the one directing this session, not you.**

Sorry, old habits die hard. (smile)

**Breathe slowly and deeply… Relax your body as best you can… (patient visibly trying to react properly, his breathing deepens, muscles relax, obviously with some effort) Relax completely and listen exactly to my words… Concentrate on my voice… We're going for a trip with no end and no beginning… Your logic, knowledge and control of the situation will be only interrupting clear vision of things you have to see… You have to put them away now, okay? Imagine a clear, blue sky with white, soft, fluffy and light clouds… Can you see them? They are blocking your visions; they are your logic, your control and your knowledge… Move them delicately off the sky for now, can you?**

Yes… (voice deeper, as if almost sleepy, patient obviously under the hypnosis) I moved them… But not too far. I want to find them later.

**Of course, Fox. We don't want you to loose them, just don't concentrate on them for now. (patient nods) You'll be seeing lots of images and hear lots of voices, but you can't analyze them. Just let them show you what you need to see… Now, think of one place you'd like to be. The most perfect, the most beautiful place you've ever seen… Use your mind and imagine yourself in this place… You're there?**

Yeah. (short laugh) It's a bit chilly… But I like it. I'm on the beach.

**Good. Concentrate on how good you're feeling… You can now change into a small, little, colorful light and fly high above your body… (short gasp from the patient) Don't worry… It's just a play of your imagination. You're still relaxed, calm and safe here with me… I'm guarding your safety, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing. I'll be your guide from here, I'll show you the way through all the important things that happened in your life… Like a colorful movie on a big screen you'll see scenes from your lives. Sometimes you'll see them from the above, sometimes from the side, sometimes you'll see them through the eyes of the person involved, but no matter what, you're safe… You already lived through this and nothing from the past can hurt you… You're safe and I'm guarding this safety… Imagine yourself back at this beach you told me about… Feel everything about it. Do you hear the ocean? Can you smell it? Tell me about it. Open your eyes and all of your senses in this place you imagined yourself to be and tell me what you feel…**

I feel wind. It's chilly, but not really cold. I like it. I hear the ocean, it's rather calm, but still I can hear it loud and clear. I can smell salt in the air, I breathe deeply, it feels nice… I sit on the sand, I feel sand under my bare feet… It's rather cold, but it's a nice feeling… I like the way the sand shuffles under my feet… I think I hear birds, seagulls probably… (patient falls silent)

**Do you think you're ready to begin our trip?**

Yes. I feel fine… I want to go.

**Alright, Fox. We will begin with the life you're leading right now… Who do you think is the most important thing in your life?**

Samantha. (no hesitance)

**Your sister? Tell me about her. Some happy memory.**

I'm… I'm eleven, she's eight. (talks in younger voice, with more obvious New England accent) She fell into the lake… (quiet chuckle) Nothing serious… She quickly caught the tramp she fell from… But she was scared… I ran to her and she hugged me, making me all wet… (disgusted face) And than I smuggled her back home so our parents wouldn't see… It was our secret. It felt nice to have something like that together. It felt nice…

**Do you think she liked that too?**

Yeah… She loves secrets. She's always trying to hide something and if not, she's investigating some footprints she said she found, or whatever… She sure is crazy! (big smile) She's always thinking up those strange codes to try to talk to me so no one else will understand…

**Do you like that?**

No! (appalled) For God's sake I'm eleven, I'm not going to play spies with my younger sister!

**Of course… So let's get back a bit earlier… It's the year 1970. You're ten. What do you see?**

I'm… I'm outside our house… I'm scared! I'm terrified! (in raised scared, young voice)

**What's happening Fox?**

Samantha… She fell from the rope swing we have in the backyard… She fell… Something's wrong with her…

**You can remember what happened later… What was wrong with her? How was she hurt?**

She broke her collarbone… (angry twisting of the mouth) I was so scared and then she made me do the stupidest things for her, just because she was supposed to not get out of bed! I had to bring her things the whole day! And share my sweets, because if I didn't, she cried… (disgusted) She was such a baby…

**Did you…**

(interrupting) Dad was angry. I think. He had said I should watch over her… And I didn't.

**You couldn't have done anything, Fox. You were too young.**

Dad thought I could've…

**Do you think he was mistaken?**

(shrugs) I was supposed to watch over her, but she got hurt. So I've obviously done something wrong.

**See this scene in your mind again. What could you have done?**

I… I was in the kitchen, I was bringing lemonade outside. Mum made it for us, we were thirsty after running around, playing… I heard Sam's scream and I ran out, dropping the glasses… I made a mess…

**Fox how could you have helped Samantha? You weren't even there when it happened…**

I was supposed to be with her! (angry)

**And if you would have been there, what would you have done? Let's say she's swinging and you're right next to her… Would you stop her?**

No… She could swing at this rope. Dad told her she could, so she did.

**Would you be have been able to catch her, if you had been there?**

(pause) No… She fell too quickly, I wouldn't have been able to jump under the swing to catch her…

**So what could you have done?**

Nothing… I would have just been there…

**You think it would have helped her?**

No. She needed me later, tough. (defensive)

**Yes, she did. And you were there for her, weren't you?**

I was. I took care of her and let her drive me crazy with her talks and do everything I could so she wouldn't be too bored while staying in bed…

**(smile) Yes, you were a very good older brother. Do you think your father was right by thinking you could have stopped her from getting hurt then?**

(pause) No… (shocked) He… He was wrong.

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 02. 03/30  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

(in younger voice) I see the light… Bright light… She's flying out of the window… And I can't move! A moment ago I wanted to grab dad's gun, but now I can't move! I can't! I feel someone's presence, some… something is here and I can't move… Samantha!

**Calm down, Fox. You lived through this. You're fine. You're safe. I don't want you to re-live this again. I don't want you to think about your sister's disappearing. I want you to tell me what you wanted to do…**

I wanted to save her! I knew I had to take care of her! I always fail at that… I always…

**Tell me about it, Fox. Why do you always fail at this? What do you mean by that?**

I… (stops for a long moment) (continues in young voice) There's a light… Bright light…

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 03. 04/07  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**I want you to go back to the time when you failed to save your sister for the first time… Are you there?**

Yes. Yes, I am.

**What do you see?**

I'm a teacher… I'm fifty or so… I have a beard… It has to be a long time ago, I wear old-looking robes. Not old back then, but they look old to me… I'm taking care of the kids in the house. I'm teaching them basics. The girls, I'm teaching basics to the girls. There's also a young boy. His sixteen or so… He's Samantha…

**How is your relationship?**

I love him. I… I treat him as my son, not my employer's. He spends more time with me than he ever does with his parents. His father always works… His father is our father now… He works, he doesn't have time for his son. But I love his son, he's a perfect kid. He's so smart and bright… I love his sense of humor. He reminds me of me… I want him to go to school. To study, to achieve everything I couldn't… (stops suddenly, choking a sob)

**What do you do about it?**

I help him… I tempt him to… to rebel against his parents. To demand to be sent to school in a city.

**Does he?**

Yes. Yes, he does. His parents let him. They hate me, but they agree… They fire me the moment Samantha's gone, but I don't mind… I feel happy, I smile at their tears. They don't understand how much this kid can achieve…He-He's so-… so smart… (cries)

**What happened, Fox?**

Three months later his father burst into my house… I was so poor, I had nothing to eat for two days in a row and earlier it was just bread… Old one, too.

**Why are you living like that?**

No one will give me job now that Samantha's father told them what I did…

**Why won't you leave? Look for a job in some other place?**

I want to know how my boy is doing… That's the only way… To stay and listen to the gossips… Until his father bursts in.

**Why did he do that?**

He's furious… Oh, so furious… He yells at me… He shouts, he shouts that… that I- (sobs) That I killed his son.

**How could you have done that? His son was in town, wasn't he?**

He died there… He died there, because I sent him there… It's all my fault. He knows that, he attacks me… I-I… I try to protect myself… I push at him with all my force… He loses his balance, he… He falls and hits his head on a… a table? Or wall… I don't know… He's bleeding so fast and so much… I'm so scared… It was an accident… I try to stop the loss of blood I try… (cries)

**Hush, Fox. Calm down. It already happened, it can't affect you anymore… Tell me what happens two hours from this accident?**

I'm in jail.

**You're in jail, why?**

People came… Saw me and his body… I told them. I was sobbing so hard, but I tried to explain…

**And?**

They said I murdered his family… His son and now him. They put me in jail. (suddenly deadly serious, cold and calm) I'm going to be executed tomorrow.

**Calm down, Fox. That can't hurt you now… Now you're here with me, but your soul can do much more than your body could… Go back to that time and find Samantha… Find the boy you sent to the city… Where is he exactly an hour before his death?**

(after a pause) (surprised) I found him…

**What's wrong Fox?**

He… He's in a hospital… He's dying…

**Someone hurt him?**

No, he's sick… I see some black things swirling around him… In his aura, they're around his mind… His head…

**Did he catch this disease before leaving the house? Was he sick then?**

Yes. He was sick from his birth… (still sounding shocked) It was a miracle he lived so long.

**So it wasn't your fault?**

No… I just took him away from his parents for the last weeks of his life, but it's okay… He was happy, he knew this before he had to go… He's now a shiny, yellow light and he's flying away. He's happy. (smiles lightly)

(…)

**Choose another memory of how you failed to save Samantha. The one you think is most important. Tell me when you see it.**

(after a short pause) I see it.

**Who are you?**

(in slightly different voice, not really higher, but somehow lighter) I'm a woman. I'm young… Sixteen or so… I'm angry.

**Why are you angry?**

(smiles) My name is Heather.

**Why are you angry, Heather?**

(smile disappears, there's an angry scowl now) My sister is gone… I loved her, I wanted to be with her, but she left me alone on the ranch with our sick mother…

**Why did she do that?**

(sarcastically) She fell in loo-ove! (snorts)

**Did she leave with her lover?**

They got married. (angry) And I just send her for supplies!

**(a bit surprised) What?**

(sighs as if tired of explaining it) We were out of supplies! We had to eat something, but the closest town was practically deserted after lat fight with the Indians. Someone had to take the cart with things we could sell, like smaller animals and some of the crops and go to the next town. Sell what we have and take the money we already had, and buy us supplies. It is a long road, more than a day for one way… I stayed with mother and Samantha drove to town.

**Was her name Samantha or was it the soul of your sister Samantha?**

(pause) (smiles) Both.

**(smiles) Alright, so what did Samantha do on her trip that was bad?**

(sighs angry) She fell in loo-ove!

**Was that bad?**

Of course! She left us for him!

**Tell me about it.**

She came back with him to the house. She obviously met him on the road to town, he was going to look for a job there… He had some supplies with him and some money. He just traveled from his hometown, because there was no job for him and he didn't want to be a burden for his family… He apparently had enough siblings to make his parents worry about the food a lot. He charmed Sam right away. They spent time in town meeting each other… He apparently quickly got a job at some house. He was supposed to repair something there, he did it and he got paid.

**And? What happened later?**

He came to Samantha and, knowing that she was going back, he proposed.

**Just like that?**

Yeah. (snorts) He said he felt they just should be together and he couldn't let her go. They spent most of their money for supplies and came back home. And they started planning for the wedding and than they got married. (stops as if thinking about something) Three months later, I think. And then they moved out.

**You miss your sister?**

(quiet, a bit unsure) Yeah.

**Did they move far away?**

(pause) No.

**(surprised) No?**

Across the field. When you walk on the road it is an hour walk, if you go across the fields, half an hour.

**She wasn't very far than. Was she visiting you?**

Yes. Everyday.

**Why?**

(sheepish) She said that as good as I am, I can't take good care of a whole ranch and our sick mum.

**She helped you?**

Yes. (after a pause, as if a bit unsure) A lot.

**Then what was wrong? You didn't like her husband? You thought he was bad for her?**

(pause) She shouldn't have married him. He knew that too.

**Did he? Why did he think so?**

I think he knew that. He… He never said that openly… He didn't want to hurt her.

**If he cared for her like that, why was he bad for her?**

(pause) (bits his lip) He wasn't bad for her… He was a great man.

**(sounding a bit lost) Then why shouldn't she marry him?**

(angry again) Because she knew him for four days, when she agreed! That's why! And… And because I didn't know him then…

**You're angry that she chose someone you couldn't approve of, because you didn't even have a chance?**

(angry, impatient) No!

**Then why do you think you should have met him before she accepted?**

I should have met him before he proposed… I loved him.

**Oh. Do you think he loved you too?**

(pause) Yes. I know he did. (frowns)

**Where you together in this…**

I know him.

**What?**

I know who this husband was. I know this soul.

**Who is he? Is he Melissa?**

No. He's not Melissa. I… I've met Melissa earlier. He was going to propose to me when I would be eighteen.

**Why then?**

He said I'm too young for marriage. (snorts) He was older, ten years older than me.

**Did you love him?**

Yes. But not as much as I loved Samantha's husband. I've never loved anyone so much (stops a sob).

**Where you together in this time?**

(with force) No! He was Samantha's! I wouldn't hurt her like that. Neither would he. (angry with a frown) I know that I met him again! Few times… I know this soul…

**We will look for him in your memories later, okay?**

Okay.

**Can you now get to that day in this life that made you think you failed Samantha? The day you couldn't save her?**

(serious) It's barely two months after their wedding. She was supposed to come early to help me, like always. But she didn't. I waited for her next to the barn, but she didn't come… (sobs) He came. All covered in blood… Crying…

**What happened?**

Their house was attacked and robbed… He was out of house… Repairing Miss Goldson's fence. He was trying to earn some money for food… When he came back he found her dead, covered in blood. He tried to help… He cried over her body when he realized she was already dead… And than he came to me.

**What did you do?**

I started hitting him with my fists. I was angry, so angry! I cried! And I hit him… And then he told me that someone apparently had heard Sam screaming…

**Someone tried to help her?**

Yes. (in broken voice) He found Melissa's body too.

**He told you about that?**

Yes. He caught my fists, when I tried to hurt him, and he hugged me. He cried and told me all about what he saw…

**How did you react?**

I didn't want him to hug me. I loved him, but he was Samantha's and she was dead and he couldn't just like that start being with me now… I cried until I couldn't cry anymore… And than I pulled away from him and… And I told him that I was going back home for the gun and if he knew what was good for him he'd get off of my land.

**What did he do?**

When I came back he was still standing there… I shot somewhere near him and he started walking away, still crying… (cries) I shouldn't have done that… I loved him so much…

**Calm down… Hush, it's over now. Now tell me, why do you think you could have saved Samantha then?**

She wanted to stay at our house, but I insisted… I didn't want to live with him under the same roof.

**Remember your 'Greater Me'? Your soul guide?**

Yes. Yes, I do. Should I ask him to come to me now?

**Yes, please.**

(pause) He's here.

**Ask him why he thought you should see those two memories? Those two past lives?**

He says… He says that I couldn't have saved Samantha. (pause) He wants to show me what would have happened if Samantha and her husband would have gone on living with us.

**Let him show you, Fox. Watch it carefully.**

(pause) (sobs) (cries in pain)

**What happened, Fox? Tell me, what did he show you?**

They heard about the wedding… They thought they would find more money at our house… They killed us all. (cries) Samantha's husband died protecting me… (angry through tears) God, I know I should have recognized him!

**Calm down, Fox. We'll get to him later. Ask your 'Greater Me' again why did you have to see those memories?**

(pause) He says it was for me to learn that sometimes I just can't save everyone… That some things just have to happen and I should finally stop punishing myself for them… I should do what I can, but when it's not enough I shouldn't blame myself. Sometimes things are happening because of something greater than me, and I'm not enough to stop them. He says… (chuckles) He says that not everything is about me.

**Do you understand that now?**

Yes. I have to give everything I can, try as hard as I can to make things right, but sometimes… Sometimes I can't do anything, it's not in my power and then… Then I should not let it eat me up alive.

**What else do you have to do in this life to find peace? How can you solve this problem?**

I should get ride of the unnecessary guilt.

**Okay. Can you imagine now your body, your soul in it, your psyche… Imagine your feeling of guilt… Where is it? How does it look like?**

It's sharp. As if covered in thorns. It's here… (patient points at his low abdomen) I think it's yellow.

**What do you think could destroy it?**

(a bit scared) Fire?

**You don't like the idea of building a fire?**

(shakes his head vehemently) No!

**All right, what else could destroy it? How do you think can it be destroyed?**

(smiles) I could toss it into a black hole… Or point a laser at it…

**I think like the idea of a laser more than the idea of a hole in your psyche…**

(chuckles) Yeah.

**Rip out this feeling now. It may hurt, but it needs to be done. Be careful to not leave anything behind. Tell me when you're done.**

(longer pause) I'm done… (hiss in pain) But it's painful to hold it.

**Point your laser at it then and concentrate on every good memory about your sister's soul… Concentrate on the fact that you've done everything you could to save her… Increase the power of your laser with it…**

(pause) (happily) It's gone. (smiles)

**All of it?**

Yes. I checked.

**Good. Do you feel better now?**

Yes. Much better. I feel… free. I feel safe. And I feel more connected to Sam now. I feel… I feel as if the grief isn't between us anymore. I miss her more than anything, but… But I remember her as a great girl too now. I can let her rest in peace.

**You're not sure if your sister from this life is dead…**

Yes, she is. She was for a long time. (sighs) (smiles) But she's happy where she is now and since I got my lesson finally, maybe next time we'll spend more time together.

(…)(…)(…)

My last session about Samantha was one of the longest and most tiring ones we had. I felt great afterwards, tough. Finally free. Even Scully noticed some change in me. I was in such great mood that I told her everything about Amy and our sessions. My mistake.

Of course then Scully insisted on running a background check on my new therapist and then - even though the check showed nothing out of the ordinary - she lectured me about how much I'm risking and in how much danger I'm putting myself. And how could I be so sure what I saw and said under the hypnosis was true? To this I actually had an answer.

"Scully, calm down! I'm not running around the country looking for Samantha's and Heather's graves, okay? I'm not giving up completely on the search for my Samantha in this life, either. I believe what I saw was true… And even if it wasn't, what do I care? It helps me, Scully… And… Oh, I can't just describe it, but it helps."

She sighed and gave me this look in which annoyance fights with concern. Concern won when I gave her my kicked-puppy-look.

"Just watch out for yourself, will you? And cancel this week's appointment, we have work to do."

I nodded solemnly. After a session like the last one, it sounded really good to take a week off. My soul needed to rest, especially because deep in my mind I knew with what we're going to struggle next.

+++  
FM Session 04. 04/21  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**It's the year 1964. You're three years old. Your sister is born. How do you feel?**

(quietly, childishly lisping) Unwanted.

**Why do you feel like that?**

Mum gave her my teddy… She said I'm too old for it… I am not!

**What did you do?**

I tore the teddy into pieces. In front of Samantha. She cried.

**Did it make you feel better?**

No. I got… I got another damn teddy. I gave it to her, so she could shut up finally

**(a bit amused) Three-year-olds shouldn't say 'damn'.**

(defensive) Dad said that. He said: I hate those damn politicians! They're all idiots!

**Your father is not three years old.**

Neither am I. I'm almost four.

(…)

**I want you to take me to the past life that is most important in your relationship with your father.**

It's the teacher-thing again. When I sent Sam to school.

**Alright. But we already know this one, don't we? So show me another one you think is important.**

Uh… It's old.

**Old memory? Did you move very far in the past?**

Yeah… I think it's the first time I met my Dad's soul.

**Tell me where are you?**

I'm working on a boat. There's sea... It's hot… We're on the beach… I wear some kind of tunic… I think I'm Greek.

**Where's your father's soul?**

He's around… He's also working on this boat… He's my younger brother… I… (smiles brightly suddenly) Our father is Scully. He helps us also. We're working on that boat, we're building it.

**Take yourself to the most important time of that life, alright? The time when you're relationship with your younger brother becomes hurtful…**

It's evening. I'm older. I'm seventeen or so. He's thirteen. He's too young to go out after dark, but I want to go to my friends. We're having a swimming contest… (smiles) All the girls will be watching us…

**Where's your father?**

He's gone. He went for a trip… He's a sailor.

**Did you go for that swimming contest?**

(regretful) Yes. Even though my brother asked me not to.

**Why didn't he want you to go?**

He said he didn't feel all right. Something hurt him. He said he thought he was sick.

**Why didn't you stay with him then?**

I didn't believe him. (sighs) He always thought up things like that, to make me stay with him. But I didn't want to… Melissa was going to be there… And I wanted to meet her…

**So you left and what happened then?**

When I came back my brother wasn't at home… I went out looking for him… (sighs, very sad) I looked for him for hours! I… Finally I found him under… There was this rock on which our house stood, it wasn't very big, but large enough to get yourself hurt, if you jumped off it. I found my brother lying there… He must have gotten worse and gone out looking for help… and he fell. At least that's what he said had happened.

**He hadn't died then?**

No, but… But he couldn't move… He was paralyzed…

**How did you react when you heard about that?**

I felt guilty. I apologized to him everyday and I took care of him. I worked to feed us both; I helped him as much as I could. When our father came back he helped me, too. And then when father died I went on taking care of my brother… For the rest of my life.

**You never started your own family?**

No.

**What happened to Melissa?**

(shrugs) She got on with her life, I suppose. Yes… I remember that she had a husband… It was… (shocked, exclaiming) It was the same soul I couldn't recognize earlier!

**Can you recognize it now?**

(sighs annoyed) No. No, I can't… It's as if I am not supposed to recognize him yet… As if I have to tidy up everything else first.

**Maybe that's exactly how it is. Did you ask your 'Greater Me' about that?**

(pause) I just did. He says I'm right. That it should wait, but I should remember about it.

**Alright. I think 'Greater Me' knows the best, so we'll wait with discovering who this mysterious soul is. Let's go back to your father… Did he ever forgive you?**

No. He said I betrayed him. He never trusted me again. I never earned his forgiveness.

**Was your soul punished for that somehow?**

Yes…

**How?**

I was punished for not believing him, when he was telling the truth. Now I'm rarely believed in… (sighs) When I was that teacher, nobody believed me I wanted to do well, everybody believed I was evil and killed his son… Now no one wants to believe me…

**Were you punished for what happened to your brother?**

No. It was an accident. I couldn't help it…

**Ask your 'Greater Me' how to help this relationship. What can you do?**

(longer pause) He shows me something… It's a river… Small stream… It runs through earth, but it's getting weaker and weaker… It tries to flow quicker, it uses every change in the ground's level, but it only helps for some time… Then it dries up completely.

**Why?**

Because it needs more water… From rain, other rivers, its source… But there is none.

**Why were you supposed to see this? What kind of lesson was hidden in it?**

Some things can't be achieved just by one person's wants… I can't set my relationship with my father's soul straight as long as he refuses to forgive and trust me again… Everyone needs to forgive. Forgiveness is the sense of it all. Next to love, it's the most important thing… If you don't understand and forgive, it'll finally eat you up alive… It's very close from eating up my father.

**What can you do about that?**

(shrugs) Nothing. I can wait for another chance and ask for forgiveness again.

**But you didn't do him wrong in this life, should you really punish yourself like that?**

No. I should try to talk to him, but not let him hurt me like he did in this life.

**So… You can't do anything else in this life to help it?**

No. I just have to let it pass… I have to understand that we'll have another chance and I just have to be as good as I can for him… Not give him another reason to hate and distrust me. The rest is in his power. He has to forgive me, I can't make him.

**Alright, Fox. I think we'll be done quicker than we thought… I think we managed to get through the biggest problems…**

No.

**What? Is there something more important than what we talked about?**

Yes. This soul I recognized. 'Greater Me' says it's the most important thing. It's the reason why I had to clear up everything else. There's nothing more important in my life. It's love. I have to understand it, I have to free it, I have to learn how to forgive and how to love… He says it will take some time.

**(sounding a bit shocked) Well, then we'll give it as much time as it needs. We will start in our next session, alright Fox? (patient nods) Now relax slowly, go back to your beach, feel the ocean… Are you there?**

(sighs happily) Yeah. I'm here.

**Now relax, close your eyes. I'll count from three and when I say 'zero' you'll open your eyes and you'll wake up here, with me in my office. Okay?**

Okay. I closed my eyes.

**Three… Two… One… Zero.**

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at Amy. Her gaze told me she felt as unsure about it as I did. For a moment I craved going back to my beach and the peace I felt there.

"It sounded like something huge…" I said quietly.

"It sure did." She said in a slightly week voice, but then brightened visibly, "But we'll get through it, right?"

I couldn't stop a small smile at her confidence.

"Right."

+++  
FM Session 05. 04/28  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Alright, Fox. Could you please do something for me?**

(pause) (small smile) Sure.

**Please ask your 'Greater Me' to come to you, okay?**

(pause) He's here.

**Now, please ask him if there's anything else… Some unclosed case we have to take care of, before we try to discover the problems you have with this mysterious soul you keep meeting.**

(longer pause) Melissa.

**We have to deal with your relationship with her soul?**

Yes. (pause) With the reason we can never be together.

**All right then. Take yourself to the life that was the most important one concerning your relationship with Melissa. Tell me what you see.**

(long pause) I'm… I'm working in a house… I'm a woman… I take care of the kids… I think it's a pretty old life…

**Where's Melissa?**

She's my employer. She loves me.

**Do you love her?**

(pause) Yes. But we can never be together… We sneak out to the old barn… I'm happy when we're together.

**What was the most important issue in this life? What happened to you and Melissa?**

He was supposed to marry a girl from another town… He never met her, but… He didn't want to, he never even cared… He wanted me…

**And what happened?**

One of the boys on the farm learned about us… (shocked) (sobs) He killed Melissa! He shot him… From behind…

**Why did he do that?**

He loved me. I told him years ago I wouldn't be with him, but he still loved me.

**You didn't love him?**

I did… I will always love him… He's this mysterious soul. I will always love him… (cries) But I had kids and he was younger, so much younger… (sobs) I didn't want to ruin his life… And besides, I was afraid how Melissa would react…

**What happened later?**

I… I had to leave… But I managed somehow on my own until… (surprised) (unsure) I married Scully…

**Did you love her in this life?**

As much as I always do. I was never in love with her… (pause) Just as she never was in love with me… I was poor, I needed help for me and the kids… And Scully was there for me. (smiles) Like she always is. We're like soul-siblings or something… We're always there for each other.

**Is this some kind of lesson for you?**

No, Scully is not a lesson… Not really, tough I learned love… True love between friends… But she's just my friendly soul in this world… Always...

**Do you remember what happened to that boy? That soul you keep meeting?**

He got hung for what he had done.

**Please, ask your 'Greater Me' why you saw exactly this memory? Why can you never be with Melissa?**

(longer pause) It's not our fate to be together. (pause) We had to learn that. We had to learn not to stay with each other just because we feel something for each other. It's not the love we're waiting for. It's not the love we could have if we just gave up trying with each other…

**Can 'Greater Me' show you the reason why you always cling to each other like that?**

It's another memory… Older… Very old… I'm a young girl. Twelve? Maybe younger… I'm rich. I… I think I'm going to marry someone next week. Yes, our fathers agreed on that even before we were born. He's sixteen now… I love him very much… We are supposed to be together, but… (cries in pain)

**What happened, Fox?**

I died. I got sick. And I died. He was so sad… He was Melissa… 'Greater Me' says we were supposed to be together, because both of us couldn't be with the ones we were fated to.

**Why is that?**

Punishment. Melissa's fated one was punished… for something. They couldn't be together in that life… Mine… The mysterious soul, he's done something awful… (gasps) Something really awful… We couldn't be together for a very long time… I was supposed to live and learn with Melissa's soul until the end of her fated one's punishment…

**But something went wrong?**

Melissa… (sighs annoyed) She wanted me so much in this life, loved me so much… She lost her mind after she heard about my death… For the rest of her life she waited for me, ready to marry me… But I was dead. She still does that… She doesn't give her fated one a chance… She waits for me and gets into so much trouble… Oh, so much trouble…

**And how is your soul reacting to it?**

We're always brutally separated - sooner or later. But every time I see her soul I'm trying to be with her, I'm waiting for her, too… I want her to be happy, although she should accept happiness with her fated one.

**Can they be together now?**

(shrugs) The moment she'll let him… He was the girl from the other town that Melissa was supposed to marry before she got shot… His punishment is long over… He tried to reach her, but she was always with me… Or waiting for me. And I was there for her, too. I couldn't leave her like that…

**But in this life she died long before you… Why did this happen?**

Because she didn't accept her fated one again. And I couldn't be with her in this life… I shouldn't have been with her in past lives, but now… Now I can't.

**Why is that?**

Because the punishment of my fated one is finally over, too. And we can finally be together just as I wanted to, every time I saw his soul… Just as he wanted to, every time he saw mine…

**Why aren't you together yet?**

When we met… We were too used to difficulties between us… We made even more of a mess… (quiet tears) I'm not sure if we can manage to be together in this life.

**Could you ask 'Greater Me' about that?**

(long pause) (shocked) He… He said we have to be together. (shocked and scared) If we want to be given a chance for a next life at all…

(…)(…)(…)

This time it was Amy who asked for a break. I can't really blame her, after what I told her during the last session… Souls don't stop their journey. They have lessons to learn and they will continue to come into the world for another life for as long as it will take them to learn everything. Then they can go to the happy, safe place full of light… They can go to the light and be perfect. My soul certainly wasn't perfect, so there was no reason for it to stop coming into the world. Unless of course there was no world to come back to… And that was what had scared Amy so much. Because I honestly can talk myself into believing we're not really reaching any deeper truth or something like that. That it's only my psyche and subconscious dealing with the mess in my head through vivid images.

I swear, listening to Scully for so many years taught me how to inspirationally babble scientific nonsense.

Amy, on the other hand, believed truthfully that what we discovered during her sessions was something that went much further than my sick psyche. Or hers, come to think of it. And for her to hear something that sounded like a sad promise of the end of the world from 'Greater Me' coming through my mouth… Well, let's say it shook her up pretty hard.

I don't blame her. On the contrary, I admired her guts when she called me a week later, stating we had to the increase amount of our meetings to twice a week. I agreed whole-heartedly, the job and lack of sleep be damned.

+++  
FM Session 06. 05/12  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**So, Fox. Please ask your 'Greater Me' again if there's something we have to deal with before we get on working out the mystery of your fated one.**

(pause) No. But he says we have to take small steps with this one… And be very careful about it.

**Alright. I understand how important it is, trust me. We'll be very careful and we'll work it out in a suitable pace, I promise. But since we're handling something really important here, could you ask your 'Greater Me' to be with you for this whole process? So he can lead us to the right answers in the right time?**

(pause) He said he'd guide us.

**Perfect. Could you…**

(interrupting) He said he'll help us much as he can, but you're the human guide and you have to help him lead the way… Lead me through this, so I can understand…

**(a bit shocked and nervous) Of course, I will help you. I'm here to help you get through with it, Fox. (more secure) Could you please ask your 'Greater me' to show you the first memory you have to see to understand your relation with your fated one?**

(longer pause) I'm… Oh, God it's really old… I think… I think it may be the first life I led… I'm not sure, but it feels like it.

**What do you see, Fox?**

I'm a kind of shaman… Sage… I'm young, tough. I think I'm still learning to be one or something like that… There's a girl that I love…

**Is she your fated one?**

(smiles) Yes. God, I love her so much… We understand each other so clearly… We're perfect together. Just… perfect. She has a name… (laughs quietly) I can't even pronounce it now… It's some old, forgotten language, but her name sounds beautiful… I love saying it… I love the sound of it… (laughs again) I think… I think her name means something in this language… Something nice… I somehow managed to put it into the prayer I created for our Gods, so I can say it every time I have to pray…

**(interrupting slightly) Do you pray often?**

Yes. Very. I pray for… For everything, it seems. For my people… And I pray for guidance and wisdom, so I can be good sage one day.

**What happened with you and your fated one? Did you get together?**

No… Our… Our people… (fights for words) Damn. It's all so hard to explain with… with the words I know now. It's so different…

**Calm down, Fox. Concentrate on words that make sense now, not then, and speak. Don't think too long about explaining yourself, trust me. Just let it flow, it'll make sense. Now, tell me what happened. Why didn't you and your fated one get together?**

Our people were fighting… With some other tribe… clan… They took some of us with them… They took me… (scared) They held me… for years… I so longed to come back…

**Did they finally release you?**

Yes. After a very long time… When they took me I was something like a teenager, when I came back… I was older than I am now…

**What happened with your fated one?**

(cries) She was dead… When I came back she was dead…

**How did she die?**

(gasps) (terrified) She had done the most awful thing… She killed herself… (sternly) You can't kill yourself. You can't interrupt the lesson. No lesson is too hard for you, you had to get through it!

**What was the lesson in this life for you?**

That sometimes we're given an unbelievable, great happiness, and sometimes it gets taken away from us for a long time, sometimes forever… Sometimes we don't have it at all… But most of the times it doesn't depend on us and we can do nothing about it. We have to learn not to fight fate… because we'll never win. (bitter smile) The most basic lesson and one of the hardest to learn.

**(smiles) So it is… Tell me Fox, what happened with you in this life?**

I was too old to learn everything I needed to become a good shaman… or whatever they were called then… But I was respected due to what I had lived through… I helped as much as I could in the… temple. (sad) I lived, even if it didn't feel right to live without her.

**You said it's a very old life. Maybe even the first one you ever led… Was the punishment for this suicide so harsh that it ended just now? Or did something interrupt this punishment?**

Punishment for suicide is always great. And harsh. You can't interrupt the lesson. Your light turns dark then… And sometimes it may never again be light. My fated one almost was so dark…

**What happened?**

I dragged him back to the light. (smiles) By force, of course.

**How did it help him?**

He got another chance. He led another life. (sad sigh) Even if we couldn't be together then.

**So his punishment was not to be with you, until now?**

(shakes his head 'no') It was supposed to be shorter… (sad) But he did it again… He killed himself again!

**When was that?**

When I was Greek… When I took care of my brother…

**You said your fated one married Melissa then…**

Yes, yes he did. His parents made him, but… (pause) (smiles) But he loved me. Like he always does.

**And what happened?**

He tried to lead a normal life with Melissa, but… but he couldn't stand it. He drowned… On purpose. He killed himself.

**Was it the last time he did it?**

No. (horrified gasp) He… When Samantha died and Heather… I tossed him out of our property… He went around aimlessly and he met the men that attacked his house earlier. They fought… but he didn't… He just gave up and let them kill him. It wasn't really suicide… He'd have died either way, but the fact that he agreed to it. That he wanted it… (painful gasp) It added to his punishment.

**Did he finally understand that he can't interrupt his lessons?**

(smiles slightly) Yes. (certain) He would never kill himself again… He'd never kill himself in this life, he fights to survive now. He won't give up easily… I… I think he won't give up at all, he'll fight to the end… (smiles proudly)

**Now please, ask your 'Greater Me' why you saw those lives? Why did you have to learn about your fated one's punishment?**

(pause) He shows me two scenes… They're repeating… I… The first one is a wolf, his leg is caught in a trap… He bites it off and runs… (scared, disgusted face) Blood is everywhere… It's such a gore… It's nauseating.

**What's the second scene?**

There's this animal… I'm not sure… it's a deer or something like that… Some predator… a wolf? Yes, I think it's a wolf. It attacks, but the deer fights back… It attacks with its horns and… kills the wolf… The deer somehow manages to kill it… There's blood again… (disgusted) I think those scenes are suppose to be as gory as possible…

**Why? What is 'Greater Me' trying to say to you?**

That we have to protect ourselves… That we have to fight for our lives, our lessons… We can't interrupt our lessons, we have to fight to make them last long enough for us to learn something… We can't give up, there's no lesson too hard for us.

**Is this a lesson your fated one has to learn?**

No. I mean yes, but he did. He learned it perfectly. Now I have to understand it… I have to understand him and his need to survive… I have to understand that sometimes gore is necessary… Sometimes you have to spill blood, even if normally it's one of the biggest mistakes and faults as well.

**Why do you have to understand it?**

It'll get me closer to my fated one.

**So… Do you understand it now? Do you understand what 'Greater Me' tried to show you?**

Yes. It's like with killing on duty… It's not murder, it's self-defense. You have to try to avoid it, but when you can't… You have to fight for your life… You have to fight or you'll die… I… I understand.

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 07. 05/17  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Is there something else you have to know… something you have to understand about your fated one, before you'll be able to work out your problems with him?**

Yes. (smiles) Not just one thing, though.

**Alright, but we'll start with just one, okay? We're not trying to rush anything here. Ask your 'Greater Me' to show you what you need to see now.**

(pause) I'm seeing flashes of the lives we already visited… It should be enough for me to understand…

**Tell me exactly what you see.**

I see my fated one… I see him fighting; it's that ancient life… Our first together, when they took me away… She's fighting with our enemies, running to the temple to check on me… Now I see him shooting Melissa… Somehow trying to save me from this sick relationship? And I see this life of Heather… But the part that 'Greater Me' has shown me… What would have been had stayed at home… The part when he dies protecting me… I see… World War Two? He's a Pole… Polish woman, who helps us hide… She gets caught… She lied she didn't know us and that we were just filthy Jews who should be killed… They didn't believe her… They took her to the camp along with Melissa, when I died…

**What are those visions supposed to tell you?**

(bitterly) That he sometimes acts really stupidly? (pause) (sudden short laugh) Apparently that too, but it's not about that. It's about… protecting me… He always tries to protect me… Even if he often ends up making more of a mess than there was before, and doesn't help at all…

**But he always tries, doesn't he? Is he like that in this life, too? Was 'Greater Me' trying to tell you your fated one's intentions are good?**

(long pause) Something like that. I think… I had to understand he sometimes does stupid things, but in good faith… I think his soul is somehow younger than mine… Not really younger, but he took less lessons due to his punishment, so there's a lot for him left to learn… More than for me… But he tries really hard. (smiles) He'll get through it.

**Do you think you understand it now? Do you think you can somehow justify his actions?**

I… Bad things done in good faith don't become good just like that. But far worse it is to commit them in bad faith. I understand that. I understand that everyone can act stupidly, thinking he's doing well. I understand you have to forgive, when you understand. And I do.

**Do you think you're able to forgive him for what he has done in this life?**

(laughs shortly, bitterly) I don't know what he did in this life! I don't know who he is! Still, I think I know why he did it… (sighs) He's an over-protective fool.

**(smiles for a second, but continues seriously) Can you ask your 'Greater Me' when you'll be able to learn who your fated one is?**

(pause) He says that I'll learn it, once I understand as much as I can about him.

**When you'll understand it, will you be able to work things out with your fated one?**

(shrugs) That's the plan, I suppose.

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 08. 05/19  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

He's here again… (smiles) He's another soldier. Brother in arm, so to speak… We're great friends, but… (laughs) Oh, we weren't at the beginning…

**Why? What happened?**

He was handsome, I was handsome… We were great soldiers, girls loved us… Oh, we were rivaling over everything we could think of… (smiles) Until our sergeant… (pauses, smiles again) Scully knocked some sense into us…

**What did she do?**

She gave us a whole lecture about how we'll be great soldiers if we can co-operate, because now we're just a liability… It hurt to hear it… She kept on sending us together on patrols and such… We almost got in a trap once… There were ten of them against us… Us, surprised, not prepared to fight… (sighs) (suddenly gasps shocked) One of those men… He's the Cancerman! He's their leader!

**Calm down, Fox. This is just a memory. You can't be hurt. Tell me, what happened?**

(smiles proudly) We kicked their asses… We won. Oh, how happy we were… Scully stated we're her best soldiers… And we were. Together we were unbeatable… (smiles slightly)

**What's your lesson from this memory?**

That… That we're supposed to be together, we're fated to be together, because of that fact… Because of how strong we are together… Because there's something big in front of us, something we have to get through, but… (gasps scared) But we can't! We can't as long as we're not together in it! (smiles slightly) Together we're unbeatable.

**What's there that you have to fight with in this world? Can your 'Greater Me' tell you that?**

(pause) He says… He says we have to fight with something that threatens our world. (quietly, scared) Something that must be stopped or there will be no world anymore… (gasps shocked) We have to fight the colonization… We have to fight… I'm shown some things from this life… That I know of… Some of my memories… I see all I've ever learned about the project… And I know I have to stop it, I have to stop the after-effects of it… But I'm too weak…

**That's why you need your fated one? You can't make it on your own?**

I can't… I'm too weak… But Alex's here to help me… (sudden gasp) (painful moan) (patient trashes on the couch, as if fighting with something)

**(trying to sound steady) Fox, calm down. Calm down! Imagine yourself on the beach… Can you feel the sand? (patient's a bit calmer, but he still shakes his head and his breath is quick and shallow) Try, Fox. Tell me about the sand under your feet… (patient tries visibly to relax) Tell me about it, Fox. Can you feel it?**

(pause) Yes… I can feel it… It's cold, but it feels nice… And I can smell the ocean…

**Good, Fox. Perfect. You're doing just fine… Now relax… Yes, perfect… Feel the ocean, feel the peace you always feel on your beach… Are you relaxed?**

Yes… I feel calm… I feel safe… It feels good.

**Great, Fox, you're doing just great. Now, please, relax, close your eyes. I'll count from three and when I say 'zero' you'll open your eyes and you'll wake up here, with me in my office. All right?**

(nods) I closed my eyes.

**Three… Two… One… Zero.**

"Fox?"

I really didn't want to open my eyes, but Amy sounded even more scared and unsure than I felt… Well, maybe not more, but still enough to make me open my eyes.

"I'm here," I stated hoarsely.

"Bother to tell me what that was all about?" She sounded shaken and I knew she was aiming at a lighter tone, so we could both calm down a bit. It didn't work out as well as she had hoped.

"You mean my attack, the apocalypse I'll have to stop, or maybe the revelation of my 'fated one'?" The last bit came out far more bitter and ironic than I had planned.

It made Amy angry somehow.

"Don't start now!" She warned me. "He is your fated one, whoever he is!"

"Yes, but he's also…" I started angrily, sitting up, almost yelling in her face, but she'd have none of this.

"And only together you'll be able to save this world, so I suggest you get your crap together! It's no time for hurt feelings, Fox. You were supposed to be prepared for dealing with your fated one and I'd say you're not, yet." She sighed deeply. "Next session we'll talk about your problems in this life. Okay?"

I looked at her determined face. She really wanted to help me get through it and maybe not only for common good, but for the well being of my sick psyche as well. I sighed and nodded, starting to get up.

"You want to stay here for some time?" She suggested. "I… I think you may be too shook up to drive safely now…"

I glanced at my hands. They were shaking. I gulped and after a moment took a big, calming breath. I needed air. Now.

"I'll be fine… I'll take a taxi," I added seeing her unsure eyes and I got out of her office as fast as I could.

At first I planned to ignore her worries and drive my own car, but… Well, honestly I thought she might be a bit right. I was a little shaken and, come to think of it, in the light of the news of the coming apocalypse and colonization, dying in a car crash just sounded a bit stupid. Especially if I apparently was needed to stop said apocalypse. Side by side with Alex Krycek.

I hailed a taxi, which by some miracle was driving nearby.

"Where to?" asked me the driver and for a moment I wondered why I wouldn't give him my address yet.

I sighed inwardly, wasn't it obvious?

I glanced at my watch, our sessions were pretty long and thanks to my job we had to keep them in the evenings, so most of the times we ended up pretty late. Just as I thought, it was already past eleven pm. I sighed, aloud this time. Did it make any difference? The destination of my ride wouldn't change.

"Georgetown, please."

+++

"Mulder…" she moaned painfully when she opened her door, "one of these days I'm going to kill you…"

"Choose today, please." I responded in such a dead tone that she quickly looked up at me with concern, forgetting to complain about the fact it was already past midnight.

She sighed loudly and shook her pretty red head at me.

"What happened this time?"

"I… I need a friendly soul," I stated finally and she shook her head again, but opened the door wider to let me in.

Ha! She even let me sleep on her couch!

Even if I was too much of a coward to tell her everything about my session. Too much of a coward to admit what name had slipped through my lips as the name of my 'fated one'. Too much of a coward to admit there was only one person who could be entitled 'fated one' and I apparently had to work out the difficulties in our relationship. I snorted quietly at my thoughts, it was a very nice way to put the fact that I was fated to be with a heartless, murderous son of a bitch.

The worst of it all was that small part of my mind that sat somewhere in the corner and prayed for it to work. I pretended I wasn't aware of its existence.

+++  
FM Session 09. 05/24  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Ask your 'Greater Me' if you were supposed to learn the identity of your fated one when you did.**

No. Or maybe yes. I was suppose to learn it soon, but… But maybe it was too soon…

**Why do you think so?**

Because I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

**You seemed to know who your fated one is, the moment you heard his name. Tell me now, are you sure it's the person you thought of?**

Yes. (grimaces) It's him.

**Tell me who he is. Tell me about him.**

His name is Alex Krycek… Or at least that's the name he used when we first met.

**How did you met?**

We were partners at the FBI… He was sent to spy on me… He's a traitor…

**Who did he betray?**

Me? His bosses? (bitterly) He betrays everyone, sooner or later…

**Why? Why do you think he acts like that?**

I don't know. (angry) And I don't care.

**Fox, please concentrate. I need your help here. We have to work this mess up, but you're not helping. Remember your soul, you can do more than your mind or your body… Ask your 'Greater Me' if he can show you one of those betrayals through Alex's eyes.**

(pause) I'm in a room… There are these men in suits, they're talking… I'm standing at the wall… I'm bored, I don't want to be here, I don't like it here, but… I feel numb. As if I didn't care really… It doesn't make sense…

**What doesn't make sense?**

Everything. I'm tired. I want to fight, but I'm just so… numb.

**What happens later?**

I listen to what these men are talking about… Not very carefully, but still I do. I know I have to remember everything that's important… Someone who knows important things is an important person…

**You want to be important?**

(snorts) What can I say? I'm an ambitious bastard. (serious) Important people are harder to kill.

**Do you hear something important?**

Yes, they're talking about Mulder… Me… I mean… (lost, unsure)

**Calm down, Fox. They're talking about Mulder, but you're not Mulder in there. It's another life, not yours. Be Alex for now.**

(sighs) They're mad because he has a DAT tape… Or so they suspect… Cancerman knows, but he plays his cards close to his chest… He… He's in trouble if it gets out… He tells me to go with him when he leaves… He wants to talk…

**What does he want to talk about?**

He says… He says he warned Bill Mulder, but he still may cause problems… He says Mulder's drugged, I should avoid him… I'm embarrassed…

**Why do you feel like that?**

I hate the fact that he knows how I feel… (angry) I hate the fact that he knows and he uses it against me! I hate the fact that after his 'training', I… (gasps) He knows more about how I feel than I do… (quick, as if calming his breath) He says I am to go to Bill Mulder's house, to be sure he won't try anything…

**What happens when you get there?**

I see Mulder… (sad) (shakes his head) He looks like shit, they drugged him pretty bad… I'm crawling through the window to the small bathroom… Wait and listen… I pray that Bill doesn't tell Fox anything important…

**Why?**

Because… (chokes) Because then the Consortium would want to kill Fox…

**They don't want to kill him now?**

No… Most of them don't…

**Why is that?**

Some of them think he'll be worse dead… If they killed him, they'd prove he was right… That his quest wasn't the quest of a madman, but of a genius… Others… (snorts) Others think he's not dangerous at all… Idiots.

**Tell me what happens later that evening, when you listen to Fox's talk with his father?**

The old man is scared… He wants to tell him, but he stops himself… His babbling is without much sense… (angry) He knows he's in danger! But still he wants to put his son in danger, too! He would love to tell him everything!

**But? Something stops him? Why doesn't he tell Fox everything he knows?**

(shrugs) I don't know. He should expect that for what he told already he'll probably get killed. It's not fear… It's as if he didn't trust Fox completely… (shrugs) (angry) He's stupid.

**You think he should tell his son?**

No. But his reasons for this are stupid. He shouldn't tell him, to keep him safe, not because for some sick reason he thinks his son is not trustworthy.

**He says nothing then?**

Nothing important at least. Not enough to satisfy Fox's curiosity, not enough to anger the Consortium. Or so I hope.

**Why?**

Because when he goes to the bathroom, I shoot him. (smile) And it's one of the few murders I'll never regret… Not even for a moment.

**(slightly shocked) Why is that? Why do you think he deserved to die?**

If he hadn't died, he would finally have put Fox into too much of a danger and get him killed just like he did Samantha… He was a true son of a bitch, and he didn't even care about his family… I knew more about his dirty secrets than his son ever will… I know what kind of a man he was… And I hated the fact that my… that Mulder could have gotten killed because of such a piece of trash!

**You were trying to protect Mulder?**

Yes. Always.

**Why? (patient shakes his head wildly) All right, calm down. Fox? Fox, I need to talk to you, can you hear me? Fox?**

(pause) (patient's body suddenly relaxes, goes completely limp) I'm on the beach.

**Good. (sighs) Good. Did you hear what happened? Do you remember from who's point of view you were watching what happened a moment ago?**

(quietly) Yes.

**Can you understand his reasons?**

(pause) Partly.

**Do you want to visit some other scene seen by his eyes today?**

(pause) (still quiet, in a very small voice) No. I'm tired. Later?

**Of course.**

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 10. 05/26  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Tell me, Fox. Apart from your father's murder, what was the worst thing that came between you and Alex?**

Scully.

**How did she come between you? Tell me about it.**

She's my best friend. She always was. And he hurt her.

**How did he hurt her?**

He helped them take her. And they hurt her then.

**Do you think he knew what he was doing?**

I… (stops suddenly) No, I think he didn't. (sounding surprised) Not fully, at least.

**Remind yourself how he behaved around you and Scully. How would you label the feelings he showed?**

I thought he was mad, because I trusted her more than him, and he was supposed to be my new partner. I thought he was mad, because I at first turned to her…

**Your soul knows more than your body. Ask your 'Greater Me' if that was what he was feeling.**

(pause) He's showing me the life in which Alex shot Melissa… And the one in which we were both soldiers… (smile) Back then he was jealous of some girl that came to our camp to help us… She flirted with me…

**Was he jealous of Scully, too?**

Yes. (sighs) He's always jealous. He always wanted to be with me, but we couldn't… And now we can, but I still refuse to.

**Why do you refuse?**

I am scared. I never trust easily.

**You once told me you trusted Scully at once. Maybe not fully, but from the first meeting you knew you'd be able to trust her.**

Yes, but she's with me every time. In every life. Alex… We were apart for so long, I was afraid to believe we could finally be happy.

**Do you believe it now?**

(bright smile) I want to believe.

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 11. 05/31  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Do you think you know why Alex betrayed so many people and acted in such unforgivable ways?**

For power, for money, for his stupid pride… For life, mostly.

**You said fighting for life is a good thing?**

It is. But he sometimes goes too far in this fight. Way too far. Sometimes you have to give up to gain something else… Maybe something for someone else. I'm not sure he grasped that yet.

**Did you?**

(laughs bitterly) I did far too well, actually.

**What do you mean?**

I forgot about keeping myself safe. Too often. I'm not trying to kill myself… I have no death-wish or something… I just tend to forget about the fact that I'm mortal like we all are… I tend to concentrate too much on a case, on my fight, on the truth…

**Maybe that's why you need Alex?**

Too keep me safe? (pause) And I'd keep him… Keep him focused on the right goal.

**(nods) Sounds like a perfect solution. You think that would work out?**

I think… I think it might. Our biggest faults and our best sides work out like that.

**What do you mean?**

If there's something I should be good at, but am not… (shrugs) Most of the time he is. I'm a visionary, a dreamer concentrated on his search. He's grounded, reasonable, a tough guy, who can always find a way to fight for something. And win. He keeps me safe… I keep him safe…

**Is it the same as when you fought arm in arm? The fact you're strong apart, but together you're unbeatable?**

Yes. We are.

**That's why you need to be together in this life?**

Yes. We need to be as strong as we can. That's why we will be together in this life.

**'Will be'? You're that sure it will work out?**

(shrugs and smiles) It has to.

(…)(…)(…)

+++  
FM Session 12. 06/02  
+++

(…)(…)(…)

**Fox, do you understand Alex's reasons for most of his actions?**

Yes.

**Can you justify said actions?**

No… Not always. Sometimes he acted wrong, but it was a mistake. He was not aware it was a choice of evil.

**Can you forgive him these actions?**

Yes. Yes, I can.

**Please, imagine a big number eight made from two circles on the ground. In one of those circles stands Alex, in the other one: you. Can you see it?**

Yes. He looks better than when I saw him last time.

**How come?**

He's… more powerful. Stronger somehow.

**Tell him you forgive him.**

(pause) (short laugh)

**What did he say?**

'Same to you, Mulder'

**Do you think there is something you should apologize for?**

(pause) (sigh) Yeah, lots of things.

**Then do it.**

(pause) (smile) He accepted… We shake hands… He's disappearing.

**Fox, if there is something else you really need to tell him, you can stop him.**

(pause) No. I'll tell him, when I meet him.

**Alright, Fox. That's your decision. Is there something else you have to see or talk about before I wake you?**

No. I'm all right now. I'll be alright.

**Perfect. Now relax slowly, breath deeply. Go back to your beach, feel the ocean… Breath in the salty air, feel the sand under your feet, hear the seagulls… Are you there?**

(sighs happily) Yeah.

**Now relax. Close your eyes, I'll count from three and when I say 'zero' you'll open your eyes and you'll wake up here in my office. Three… Two… One… Zero.**

I opened my eyes to find Amy smiling at me brightly and I felt I was smiling back. It had terrified me, but we had gotten through it. Even if my feelings were somehow mixed, and I wasn't sure what to think about the fact I just forgave one of my biggest enemies… I felt happy, I felt free! I wanted to run and tell everybody about it.

That idea somehow stopped my enthusiasm. Scully wasn't going to react too happily to my news. I shrugged, it could wait. It would even be better, if talked with Alex first. And how could I know when I'd meet him again? Maybe it would be years!

I should have known that fate can be persistent, if you try to avoid it.

+++

I left Scully in a motel room and went to buy her some meds. In past few days so many things had happened that my head hurt from all the thoughts running through my wild brain. Everything was getting worse with alarming speed and some small voice in the back of my head prayed quietly for the apocalypse to wait unless until the next month.

Scully was feeling bad. Worse than bad. I wondered if maybe I should call a doctor, even though she stated it wasn't necessary. I was not feeling great myself. I was emotionally shook up after my last session with Amy, which took place just two days ago. I was still angry about this whole cutting down the expenses… Not to mention the potential of a genuine UFO crash and Scully's sudden sickness, of course. I shook my head, happy that I had decided to walk to the pharmacy, instead of driving. Cool night actually helped me get a grip.

I must confess I didn't know what gave me the hint there was something I should have noticed. Something I should have reacted to, but then I saw a dark car and I knew he was in there. The closer I got, the surer I was. So, ignoring my crazily beating heart and the roar of blood in my ears, I quickly changed my path a bit and before he was able to react I was opening the door on the passenger's side. I sat down quickly and looked at him. God, but it was strange to see him now. So much had changed between us, and he… he didn't even know about it yet.

I smiled, which just made him look even more shocked than before.

"Well, well, what a surprise! What brings you here, Alex? You're sightseeing? Or maybe looking for some souvenirs? I heard UFO spacecrafts are a hit this season," I added helpfully, still not able to suppress the grin on my face.

"Shouldn't you be in your motel room tucking your partner in?" He suggested, barely hiding his anger. God, but it was so obvious now.

"Probably…" I sighed, "She's sick."

There was no reason for hiding it, I had to go back to the room soon. Not only to make sure that Scully wouldn't worry and wouldn't decide to follow me God-knows-where, but also to give her her meds. I wouldn't make her suffer more, just because I wanted to talk to my fated one.

Wow. It sounded even more powerful, when he sat barely a few inches away from me.

"Then what are you waiting for?" He asked, raising his eyebrow. "Run like the good husband you are and give her whatever you bought her."

"I have to," I sighed. "But I need to talk to you…" He looked at me, now more shocked than ever. "So I'll appreciate it, if you didn't suddenly decide to run away, okay?"

He stared at me for a few minutes, I swear, before he collected himself enough to answer. Or more likely nod, weakly.

"Okay. I'll be back in a few."

"Mulder…" He stopped me just as I was going to close the car's door behind me. "If… If you want to talk about that crash, we'd better not do this in the car. The motel on the other side of the town, the only other one in this place… My room number is eighteen."

I thought about that for a moment, mostly wondering if he wanted me in his room, because he thought I was a clone or a bounty hunter and he had nothing here to stab me in the neck with. I hoped it wasn't that and I nodded quickly, even though our talk wasn't going to be about the UFO crash.

"Be there in an hour," he stated, and I had a feeling he was trying to gain some control over this situation.

I shrugged inwardly. If that was what he needed. I had to take into consideration that he wasn't as well prepared for this meeting as I was. And even with all those preparations I didn't feel all that sure.

"Okay. I'll be there."

I closed the door and quickly went to my own motel room. I didn't look back, but I also didn't hear the sound of the car's engine before I had reached the room. I just hoped he'd finally got a grip and drove to his motel.

"Here are your meds and… Scully? I need to leave for some time."

"What?" She suddenly sat up and caught her stomach, probably trying to suppress nausea.

"Calm down, Scully. God, lay down, okay? It's nothing dangerous… Nothing even connected to this case… Mostly, I mean," I stopped at her look. "Listen, it's about my sessions with Amy. They gave as good results as were possible, but now I have to do something more in my life and not only in my mind."

"Mulder, it doesn't sound good. What do you mean? Where are you going?"

"I can't tell you this now… I'll explain everything when I have managed to finish this one project… Please, Scully. Trust me?"

She sighed deeply, but she was way too tired to fight me. She nodded.

"What do you need me to do?"

I laughed quietly, happy that I always had her. God, what would I do without her?

"Lay down and go to sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can and then I'll explain everything, I promise."

"Mulder?"

I kissed her forehead and quickly stood up, leaving the room with a small sigh. I took my gun, just to stop Scully from worrying, but I decided to leave it in the car. Besides, I had all I needed. Waiting for me in room number eighteen in a motel across town.

+++

I stood in front of his door. There was a light on, and I heard faint sounds of someone moving around the room. Pacing? And his car was right under the window, so I supposed he was honest about the room number and he really was waiting for me.

Oh God, how had I gotten myself into this mess? Yeah, it was exactly one of those situations. I remembered even more reasons than ever why I was here, why I should have been here. And it still felt weird and I had this doubting moment wondering what the hell was I doing in front of Alex Krycek's motel room?

But I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't act differently, I couldn't decide otherwise, because I think I finally did the right thing.

He opened the door the moment I raised my fist to knock. I quickly let it drop and smiled sheepishly.

"I thought you wanted to talk, not stand in front of my door."

"I do," I agreed.

"Although I must say I don't know about what. You don't know anything about this crash and, I may assure you, you won't learn anything from me." He stated coldly. He had definitely gotten a grip on himself.

"Oh. It's not about crash. But still it's important."

"Mulder," he started angrily and for a moment I wondered if maybe my sessions had been lies and he would just shoot me right then. Heh, I could always take risk.

"Alex, shut up and let me in, all right?"

I smiled at his once again shocked face. He glanced at me, as if searching for something in my face, but obviously he didn't find anything. He could have shot me, he could have snapped my neck, hit me or just told me to fuck off. Instead, he opened the door wider and let my smiling, stupid person in. It was my final proof, now I just had to sell the whole story to my fated one. I shrugged, after all, unbelievable theories were my specialty.

**Author's Note:**

> Ten years later I'm unable to explain half of the ideas in this fic, but if you're that curious, when I first posted it, I also added a very long author's notes with more details. [It's still avaiable for you on LJ](https://andrea-deer.livejournal.com/110797.html).


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